I am so exhausted. I had work and then a senior project presentation. I also twisted my ankle and it hurts like hell. I am just going to sleep right now.

Insomnia, be damned!

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Today was the empty bowl dinner and it was a blast. So many people showed up and I bought some awesome bowls! I cut bread for hours and I think I might have sprained my thumb, but that is fine. My life is becoming physically exhausting though. School, work, volunteer work, it’s all becoming too much, I think.

I live so much inside my head these days, amidst a sweaty panic attack, and full-blown mental claustrophobia. Freedom is a lie, and professors are all whores to the imagined future. Freedom is a lie, and we’re all whores to the imagined Future. I need sleep and rest and calm. I remember when life was so simple and I didn’t care about anything. Those were dark times, but at least I could rest and breathe. Now, the darkness calls to me, tempting me back to the inky blackness. It seems like ages since the last time I fell, so long ago that I cannot even remember it. The attraction grows stronger with each passing second and the shade over existence grows darker. I feel myself losing my grip. Reality is becoming distorted with each passing moment replaced by the next and nothing lasts longer than an instant. So here I lie, preparing to take the plunge.

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It is amazing how the life of a student can turn from promise and potential to a death wish for demolition. I happen to face that situation right now, while sitting at my computer, typing away at my memoirs. I survived my first two years, how about that? Of course, in a way, I have found myself again. The sex on the brain has returned the cursing, the disgust, the yelling, and the uncouthness that I had lost while I was but a wee lass has returned. And it returned with a vengeance.

How one can perceive their freshman year to the point where it is just a fact of life, and not a self-centered media event, where one can say, “Hey, looky, looky, looky, I’m in college, I’m living the high life, I rock! You suck,” is beyond me. When I was in junior high school, I was thinking about college, and how an education like that would be. When you are young, you have to remember that picking the right college is a matter of convenience, intangibles, and environment.

I will divert from the college situation for a moment to talk about preparing for that. It seems that everybody is focused, and stressed about grades. Everybody wants to push him/herself too much just to please their parents, and their family, and their background in which they were raised. In other words, they want to put themselves on a low pedestal. When I remember how I had a 4.0 GPAs at my high school, I wonder, “Am I really that smart?” I made all A’s and just sat on my ass all the time. Now, some people may think this one way and respond with, “Well, if you get a 4.0 GPA in high school, all AP classes, scholarships a bunch of universities, you are sure to be the best leaders of our nation.” And I say to that, “No, no, no, no, no, that is not true.” Why? There are a lot of reasons why this is not the case.

First of all, it doesn’t matter if you graduated from Harvard, Community College of Philadelphia, or even the School of Hard Knocks, if you don’t do well where you work, get good raises, get the rhythm going, make everyone satisfied and proud, it’s going to hurt you. This seems already beaten, but there have been many cases in which “perfect” high-school students unravel in college (I will explain college later, and the pitfalls). And there have been cases in which Ivy League-educated politicians are corrupt. They do not like their job, simply because they want to do it for the money. That’s why you see politicians getting on the news for money laundering this, racketeering that, embezzlement this, scandal this, impeachment that. Take, for example, some of the recent Presidents of Mexico prior to Vicente Fox Quesada’s long-awaited usurpation, if I may call it that. I don’t know about Carlos Salinas de Gortari, but I know already that he was badly despised by his people. That’s why he went to exile. Then you have Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, an Ivy League trying to swim in a world that demands more attention to people who are nowhere near his political standing. He couldn’t survive, because he was at an unfair advantage.

Look at the history of our presidents now. A huge number of them are graduates of an Ivy League school, generally Harvard or Yale. Bill Clinton was a Harvard graduate, while our current President, George W. Bush, was an Elitist. Both had to survive the tests of governing the most powerful nation in the world. Bush is still trying to pass the test, after 9-11 and the Iraq attack. Look at Governor Gray Davis, a Stanford and Columbia grad. He’s trying to fix our economy, but is only hurting it, especially our education, though the budget cuts.

These people that I mentioned are examples of how getting the job done the right way could have saved their reputation. They are only doing it for the money. The people have been brainwashed, in that respect. To be the best, work hard, and live the American dream…that has been tainted.

Anyway, back to high school. The commencement ceremony, after analyzing the situation, was nothing more than just a mere handing of a diploma holder (with no diploma, boo!), some corny songs, and some speeches. Later that night, I had a graduation party at Roxy. Apparently, that was a bit of a mistake. For the first few hours, I was having a blast with my party, but midway through, I lost track of my friends, and was completely lost. I couldn’t track them down, because there were so many of them. It was like one of those ecstasy parties that Dennis Rodman hosted. Girls looking like Shakira, having oversized tits, bumping, grinding, humping…as a women’s libber, I felt like they had been downsized to this. (If only I could have had my mouth on one of those…but they wouldn’t allow that there, morons…) But on top of that, I felt I had wasted my time there. By the time I got home, I was basically tired and angry.

Then, I had to head on to the Freshman Experience. You know, in an environment like college, you have to sink or swim in this; no one spoon-feeds you. You have to be committed to getting the information, and getting the work done. That’s when the fun factor starts kicking in. Of course, even though I got a bit of exhaustion and fatigue, I started to find myself again. I had found new friends, and was becoming more social.

Speaking of social events, there was a fire on my floor in my apartment building and it was a classic college bonding moment. I met up with someone that I haven’t had the chance to really talk to this semester. We huddled up in the cold and talked for the whole time, while they put out the fire and cleared the smoke.

In High School I thought I knew all the terrors and annoyances of fire alarms, College proved me wrong. Maybe it has to do with dorm life, or people allowing too much (pot) smoke to accumulate in their rooms, either way I soon learned the true severity of fire alarms.

It is interesting to note that there are usually never any fires.

The fire alarms had a fondness for going off late at night, normally either during the middle of a good party or right when you were drifting off to sleep and have an early morning class. They also go off much more often when it is cold outside. Perhaps because the number of people who smoke inside their rooms increases as the outside temperature decreases?

I shudder to think of the number of times I had to shuffle outside in the middle of the night to 30-degree air. Eventually one learned to take the time to bundle up under several pairs of pants, coats, and a blanket. You also got very close with your dorm mates at this time in the attempt to share body heat.

Now I am getting really random and me thinks it is time to depart.

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I am so over my life right now. Being a senior in college is slowly killing me from the inside out. I am taking 6 classes, one of which is the 1st half of my senior capstone project; which means, that most nights I lock myself in my room doing homework. I have a crazy weird schedule, too. I work Monday through Thursday from 8:30 until 1:30, plus I have classes from 5:45-7:00. Thank goodness that I have Fridays off!

Work was pretty cool today; I got to be a variety of activities. It’s interesting to watch the daily happenings in the office. There are some of us who are genuinely happy be there and enjoy the work. Then, there are some people who don’t want to work and don’t want to learn anything new, so they generally don’t do much and play on the computer. I started thinking about it today, because I was really excited and pumped to do things and close tickets. I was thinking about how I feel kind of awkward on the days when I don’t feel well so I take work a little slower. It’s interesting to think about how some days I feel like I am slacking, because I don’t feel like I am doing much, yet I am doing more work that some of the other people. Maybe that’s the difference between people who don’t care about job and me, because I honestly love my job and most of the people that I work with.

Today, I also had my second most boring class, Theory of Computation! We learned the Halting problem, which consisted of the Diagonalization Method and million proofs. I HATE PROOFS!!! On the other hand, I am excited about the fact that I will never have to take another math class after this semester. Over the past four years I have taken Calculus I, Calculus II, Calculus III, Probability, Linear Algebra, Discrete Mathematics, an Theory of Computation; which wouldn’t be so bad, if I didn’t HATE MATH!!! School just needs to be over.

While I was supposed to be paying attention in class, the professor said “Minimal Spanning Trees,” which for some reason inspired me to write a CRAPPY poem. So, here it is:

Minimal Spanning Trees

Take away all reason, and
Bury me alive.
I’m looking deep within,
But I’m coming up empty.

I wanted to see the world, and
Live each moment to the fullest,
But all I am is broken and empty;
Shattered and torn.

They chewed me up and spit me out.
I’m just another lost and lonely little girl,
Fucked over by the big bad world;
My innocence is gone. So,

Take away all reason, and
Bury me alive.
I’m looking deep within,
But I’m coming up empty.

Rip away my soul,
And then look inside.
I harbor a monster within me,
That yearns to break free.

I unleashed the demon.
Now, I’m slowly waiting and anticipating;
When will it all to break down?
Will you feed my new disease?

No idea what happened, that has nothing to do with minimal spanning trees or math at all. This is a good example of why my mind should never be allowed to wander!

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Nerdcore for Life!